On Belief

I am a tormented believer. Things need to make sense to me and belief, as I understand it, defies logic. Do I believe that God created the world? In fact, I do. And why do I believe this? I believe this because it makes sense. How does it make sense?
Well, scientific thinking as I have discovered it, promotes the Big Bang theory. There was a magnificent film I saw at the Smithsonian Institution in Washington DC entitled Cosmic Voyage. Narrated by the wonderful and talented and heavenly-voiced Morgan Freeman it tells the story of our universe from its largest to its smallest creations, and explains the Big Bang theory in a manner that is understandable and logically acceptable to even a layman like myself. I find no contradiction between it and the story of creation as relayed in the Bible. But here is where Science and I must part ways. What came before the Big Bang? Before all that gargantuan or miniscule mass exploded, thus bringing about the universe as we know it and of it today?

I can, and do, buy into the theory that all that is created is created by virtue of chemistry. Everything is can be traced down to its atoms. No problem with that one. Evolution makes plenty sense to me, and I have no problem with dinosaurs roaming the earth and everything coming from fish and even man evolving from more primitive species (I do however consider this to be unlikely because I am not sure that there exists any other species that evolved from a different species). I consider the biblical narrative of creation as non-factual, but rather as mythical, in terms of the Maimonidean principle of "Dibra Torah Bilshon Bnei Adam" – the Torah speaks in the language of Man, in a manner that man can understand. But not necessarily is the biblical narrative to be understood in a literal sense, neither does my sense of faith require it to be so. Thus, to my understanding there are no contradictions between Creationism and the Big Bang. To me, they are one and the same. The Bible, to my understanding, describes the Big Bang in the words "Let there be light." And this is how I return to the question above: what came before the Big Bang. If science explains the Big Bang as the primordial event that preceded all others, it must therefore measure time from that point and onwards. The Big Bang becomes the beginning of time according to scientific theory. However, to my understanding, science does no such thing. Time is of essence timeless. It is beyond itself. Time is timeless. Science calls it infinity. If it falls outside of the scope of even theoretically measureable science, it is infinite. Science calls it infinity. I call that God, and it is why I am a believer. But I am a tormented believer.
I am a tormented believer because I am not a true man of faith. I don't think I believe that God is involved in the world on an active basis. I am not moved to prayer and invocation in times of distress. When my mother lay being neglected to death in hospital, I was not moved to read Psalms or say special prayers. I didn't believe then that there was any efficacy in that. I am of the opinion that daily prayer is required of a person who considers himself religiously observant. I consider myself observant to the extent that ritual does play a role in my life, but I don't place great emphasis on ritual practice. Where I do place emphasis is on those attributes of Jewish religion that stress Mitzvot Bein Adam LeHavero – commandments that define the relationships between man and his fellow. In short, the social, ethical and moral aspects and precepts that Judaism impresses upon its adherents, is of great importance to me. According to them I attempt to lead my life. They are the foundations upon which my behavior is established.